To Hurt to Live
by Sacred Memory
Summary: C.E.D.A finally came through. But was that was Ellis really wanted? For Nick to hurt him? Rated M for future chapters. Nellis.
1. Why?

_Sometimes I wonder how you can do it._

Ellis sat at a table with Coach, staring at the spaghetti in front of him. Playing with and tossing the noodles with his fork. His mind on the fact that Nick could do something like this to him.

_How you can sit back and watch yourself hurt someone so bad and not feel guilt _

Sure, he was glad C.E.D.A had finally come to their rescue. Sure, he loved the fact that he no longer had to worry and starving or being mauled by flesh eating monsters. But he wanted so badly for the group to be back out on their own, to be fighting zombies again.

_You say things to me, behind me or about me _

So that Nick wouldn't be sitting at another table, flirting with every cute girl he could find. Maybe he was just playing around and would soon return to Ellis, comforting him the way he used to in the safe rooms.

_And you still look at me the same way _

Nick hadn't said a word to Ellis since they were rescued, probably because he never wanted to talk to him ever again. Ellis wasn't afraid of telling everyone he was gay, if it meant he could be with his lover. But Nick, on the other hand wanted to keep their past secret.

_With those eyes of green searching for answers inside me _

He knew it hurt the kid, maybe that was why he was doing it. Ellis knew he had relationship problems his whole life, a heart of stone some people would call it.

_You want to know everything, you want to know how I feel _

But Ellis had seen his soft side. The person he seemed to be, a tough gambler was really a softie looking for a person to express his feelings with.

_And if I'm truly hurting inside  
_

Every night and day he spent without Nick, Ellis would wish the man would understand.

_You just have to ask and I'll tell you _

The only thing he had to do, was tell Nick how he felt. That was all. Yet, he simply didn't have the courage to do so.

_You were the first boy I ever loved _

Ellis didn't know why he couldn't tell Nick. Walk over to him and tell him exactly how he felt.

_You were the one who took my heart and locked it inside of yours _

He would embrace Nick in his arms and never let go. Only, he couldn't. If Nick really loved him, wouldn't he confess his love to Ellis? Why did everything seem so confusing. All Ellis wanted was to go back to killing zombies, so him and Nick could enjoy be together again.

_You placed your fingers in between mine, and in the end _

In his dreams, Ellis recalled all his and Nick's joyous moments. When they first kissed, and when Nick first told him about his past. How Nick curled up and cried to Ellis every night.

_You took that heart and shredded it into pieces _

Now, Nick had nothing to cry about, did he? How could he not see Ellis hurting. Why did Nick make him suffer so badly?

_You could have torn it in half, it would have been easier to put back together _

Rochelle had tried to comfort Ellis. Telling him it would be alright and that he had nothing to worry about. That Nick would come to his senses and see who he really loved.

_But instead _

Now, every time the two encountered. They said the usual, "Hey.." or "How you doing?" Which they would simply reply, "I'm doing good." and walk past each other as if nothing was wrong.

_You tore it, piece by piece you you shredded it _

Ellis wanted to cry, to let it all out. But to who? Coach would tell him to be tough and he would make it through. Rochelle would say that Nick is just going through a phase. And he couldn't talk to Nick. Nothing was right anymore. Nothing was the same.

_And no one wants to fix it_

So now, that was what had become of the two. Ellis knew they could never repair a hurt so deep. It would haunt him for life. And there was nothing he could do about it.

_Nobody can, but you... _


	2. Nothing Will Ever Be the Same

_How could I be so stupid, to let you slip away _

Nick sat at a table, staring at his former lover, Ellis.

_I want you back but now it's to late _

Ever since C.E.D.A had saved their asses, nothing was the same. The one thing they had fought for ever since the goddamn zombie apocalypse had started. The one out of two things Nick could look forward to everyday. Was the thing that he found out he hated the most.

_I already said goodbye and now loved turned to hate _

Now Nick had nothing to look forward to. No more waking up to see that beautiful face quietly snoring next to him. Or making fun of the hick just to get a good laugh out of it.

_I want to go back in time to fix all that went wrong _

He knew he could fix it, their relationship. But would Ellis really want to be with him after what he had done? Would Nick even want to be with himself?

_Change all of my regrets _

No, no he wouldn't.

_So we didn't fight as long _

Ellis probably didn't even love him anymore. Just the thought of that made Nick hurt. Trying to relive his past, to cover up the pain of his emotional break up with Ellis, Nick drank until he felt nothing or passed out. Flirted with strange women thinking that sex would make him forget about everything.

_The regrets are all what fucked it up, and they were all my fault _

Everyday he daydreamed of when Ellis would come to him, and Nick would curl up in his arms hoping the hick would never let go.

_I was so immature _

But if Nick couldn't even confess his feeling to Ellis, then why would Ellis ever want to tell Nick about his?

_I should have acted like an adult _

He tried blaming his past, his parent, or his childhood. But the only person he could blame was himself, and he knew it.

_I broke my own heart when i walked out on you _

As soon as they entered C.E.D.A's doors, Nick was a changed man.

_Now it's too late, I can't undo it_

Maybe Nick took the relationship for granted, like he had always done with any other girl.

_I still love you but nobody knows _

Even though Ellis's love was stronger than his love for every girl he had ever went out with put together. In fact, his love for Ellis didn't even catch up with any other. He had never felt this love before, had never enjoyed love in the first place. Until that hick came along.

_We are no longer together because of the decisions i chose _

How could he be so stupid? So dumb. How could he be a complete idiot?

_And now I want you here _

To let go the most amazing man in the world for some booze?

_Never far away, always near _

Those three words were all he probably had to say to Ellis. To break the young man and for their love to grow strong again.

_So please take me back _

Almost everyday that passed, Nick felt as if someone had taken his heart and literally ripped it apart.

_And catch me when I fall _

He wanted to blow his brains out just thinking about not being with Ellis.

_Cause I need you right now _

But there was nothing he could do. And it was all his fault.

_More than anything at all_

* * *

**I know I said the story was complete, but I'm going to make a few changes. **

**I'm thinking about starting the story off, just to explain the situation, with these poems and then going back to when the group was on the bridge.**

**Then I'll bring it back to when they were in military custody, fighting love.**

**But then again, I may just keep this a poem..**

**Ehh, i'll think about it. For now I'll just keep the story in-progress.**

**Thanks for reading! Review, favorite and follow! ;3**


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